grief

Finding Hope, Healing and Purpose after a Devastating Tragedy

nancyvalko bereavement, education, faith, family, grief

I met Polly Fick a few years ago after I gave a talk about physician-assisted suicide and my own daughter’s suicide in 2009.

Polly told me the tragic story of her and her husband’s loss of their daughter, son-in-law and baby granddaughter. She also told me what she and her husband were doing to bring awareness of postpartum depression because of this loss. She and Frank hope this information may help or even save another mother and her family.

Polly has been spreading this message on local radio and most recently in the December 22, 2021 St. Louis Review Catholic newspaper article titled “St. Francis of Assisi couple finds hope through tragedy in spreading awareness of postpartum depression”

THE TRAGEDY

Polly and Frank were very close to their daughter Mary Jo Trokey and son-in-law Matthew and celebrated with them when their new granddaughter Taylor Rose was baptized in 2018.

Tragically, all three of them were found dead when Taylor Rose was 3 months old. Investigators believed “that Mary Jo, possibly suffering from postpartum psychosis, killed her daughter and husband, then died by suicide.”

Polly Fick and her husband, Frank, were stunned. “We had no idea she was going through this,” Polly Fick said.

The Ficks have since dedicated themselves to raising more awareness of postpartum depression and related illnesses. Now the members of their parish are also spreading the word about resources through their involvement with Postpartum Support International (PSI) as well as local groups mentioned in the article.

“When this sort of thing happens, you either grow from it or you end up being broken by it,” Frank Fick said. “As horrible as it was, we wanted something positive to come from it.”

POSTPARTUM ILLNESSES

According to PSI,:

“While many parents experience some mild mood changes during or after the birth of a child, 15 to 20% of women experience more significant symptoms of depression or anxiety. Please know that with informed care you can prevent a worsening of these symptoms and can fully recover. There is no reason to continue to suffer.”

“Postpartum psychosis is a rare illness compared to the rates of postpartum depression or anxiety. It occurs in approximately one to two out of every 1,000 deliveries, or approximately .1% of births. The onset is usually sudden, most often within the first 2 weeks postpartum.” 

Postpartum Support International runs a helpline (1-800-944-4773), in-person and online support groups, a mentor program and a directory of care providers. See http://www.postpartum.net/

GRIEF SUPPORT

The Ficks were moved when their parish held a prayer service the evening the family learned about the deaths.

“People that I didn’t even know stepped forward,” Polly Fick said. “Left things on the porch. All of the South County deanery (parishes) really stepped up to the plate. And people prayed for us.”

“We would not be sitting here right now without the support,” she said. “It’s only by the grace of God.”

CONCLUSION

Polly and Fred Frick’s willingness to publicly talk about their tragedy has led to significant new information.

As the St. Louis Post-Dispatch October 28, 2018 article titled “Following tragedy, St. Louis hospitals renew commitment to postpartum mental health” reported:

“Until recently, mental health screenings were not standard for pregnant women and new mothers even though at least 20 percent will experience depression or anxiety that can be exacerbated by hormonal surges, lack of sleep and the demands of an infant.

The screenings can be lifesaving — as many as one in five deaths of women in the postpartum period is caused by suicide.”

and in 2018, “the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists issued new “fourth trimester” recommendations for women’s ongoing care after childbirth, including a full assessment of their emotional well-being. The American Academy of Pediatrics also recommends depression screenings for new mothers at all of the baby’s checkups during the first six months.”

Nothing can bring back our deceased loved ones but Polly and Fred Frick are an inspiring example of how help, hope and healing can be brought out of even the most devastating tragedy.

Is Abortion Really the Best We Can do for Women?

nancyvalko abortion, bereavement, culture, end-of-life, grief, hospice, law, Planned Parenthood, prenatal testing

As a nurse and a mother myself, it was awful to read about the newest and most radical abortion law voted in and just signed by New York governor Andrew Cuomo. The vote on this law was even met with a standing ovation in the New York legislature.

This bill would not only legalize abortions UP TO BIRTH but also revokes the requirement for medical care that must be provided afterwards if the baby survives an abortion attempt. Now, Rhode Island is poised to do the same thing.

The “right to abortion” is a central tenet of the “Women’s Rights” movement and most mainstream media complies by constantly insisting that women want and need abortion. Planned Parenthood and even Oprah Winfrey promote women to “Shout Your Abortion” to show that abortion is empowering and even necessary to women’s success.

But is this true?

“EMPOWERING WOMEN AND DEFENDING LIFE: AN INSEPARABLE CALL TO ACTION”

This is the title of a powerful article by a woman who started working at a crisis pregnancy center after she had received help there in the past when she was pregnant and money was tight.

As the anonymous author writes in FemCatholic:

“What I hadn’t realized was that, in situations of unplanned, crisis, or unwanted pregnancies, the staff set out not only to save the life of an unborn child or give women access to free pregnancy tests and resources (as important as those things are); the counselors want to give women hope, confidence, and the ability to look within and see their own strength. In short, they want to empower every woman they encounter.

My interviewer described to me the approach that counselors took in that initial appointment. She stressed that the goal of the appointment is never to convince the woman one way or another. Instead, counselors provide each woman with information regarding all options, and work to help her realize that she has the strength to do hard things, to be courageous in the face of this difficult situation, and to assure her that there are people ready to love and support her. If the woman chooses to she can continue meeting with a counselor regularly throughout her pregnancy for support, resources, and caring community.” (Extra emphasis added)

The author also writes about her other experiences:

“I have worked at two different maternity homes, and have seen firsthand the freedom that women experience when they discover and engage their strength, gifts, passions, and sheer willpower. It is incredible to watch these empowered women getting and staying sober or clean, finishing or going back to school, applying for jobs, dreaming about their futures with hope rather than despair. Women are capable of amazing things! I honestly believe one of our greatest feminine gifts is the ability to carry on in the face of even seemingly impossible situations.” (Emphasis added)

Her message is both simple and profound:

“How can we, women who are passionate about empowering other women, begin to change the conversation, to advance true liberation for women in unplanned pregnancies?”

 

WHAT ABOUT THE “WORST CASE” SCENARIO WHEN THE UNBORN BABY IS DOOMED TO DIE?

In the latest Gallup poll on abortion, 67% of the people polled approve abortion “When the child would be born with a life-threatening illness”. (Of course, sometimes that diagnosis proves to be wrong.)

But is abortion really the best answer for these distressed parents?

The answer is no, according to a recent article in The Public Discourse titled “Do Women Regret Giving Birth When the Baby is Doomed to Die?” by Professor Christopher Kaczor of Loyola Marymount University.

Professor Kaczor cites a 2018 article from the Journal of Clinical Ethics titled “‘I Would Do It All Over Again’: Cherishing Time and the Absence of Regret in Continuing a Pregnancy after a Life-Limiting Diagnosis“ that found:

“Absence of regret was articulated in 97.5 percent of participants. Parents valued the baby as a part of their family and had opportunities to love, hold, meet, and cherish their child. Participants treasured the time together before and after the birth. Although emotionally difficult, parents articulated an empowering, transformative experience that lingers over time.” (Emphasis added)

He also cites another study titled “We want what’s best for our baby: Prenatal Parenting of Babies with Lethal Conditions” from the Journal of Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health that found:

“After the birth, and at the time of the baby’s death, parents expressed thankfulness that they were able to spend as much time with their baby as possible.”

In contrast, Professor Kaczor cites a meta-analysis (a statistical analysis that combines the results of multiple scientific studies) in a Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic and Neonatal Nursing titled “The Travesty of Choosing after Positive Prenatal Diagnosis” as well as another study to state that:

“Couples experienced selective termination as traumatic, regardless of the prenatal test revealing the fetal impairment or stage in pregnancy in which the termination occurred.”

Professor Kaczor concludes from this:

“Women who receive a lethal fetal diagnosis deserve our compassion and support. Fortunately, organizations such as Caring to Term and Perinatal Hospice & Palliative Care provide information and support for these tremendously difficult situations. Unfortunately, doctors sometimes pressure women into getting abortions and do not share with them the information that is necessary to make an informed choice. Those who receive a lethal diagnosis deserve to know the truth that 97.5 percent of women who continue pregnancies when the baby is doomed to die have no regrets about doing so—and that abortion does not have similar outcomes. Numerous studies have come to the same conclusion: giving life rather than aborting is likely to lead to greater psychological benefit for women whose baby is doomed to die.

CONCLUSION

Many  years ago with my last child, I had abortion recommended to me by two different doctors but not because the baby had an adverse prenatal diagnosis. In my case, abortion was suggested  because, due to my first husband’s severe psychosis, I would most likely wind up supporting my children alone.

The doctors’ prediction about my husband’s prognosis proved to be correct. But I was outraged that these doctors could even think about encouraging an abortion and adding more trauma to a difficult situation. And I was also outraged that they thought I was too powerless to raise 3 children on my own. I wasn’t.

Because of that experience, I now know the power of the simple phrase “I am here for you” and I have said it myself to other mothers, especially ones who were given an adverse prenatal diagnosis.

I know that choosing life is the ultimate victory!

An Amazing Video of a Living, First Trimester Unborn Baby

nancyvalko abortion, grief, law, medical, Planned Parenthood

Recently, I saw an amazing video in a post on the Nurses&Midwives4Life Ireland Facebook page showing a living, first trimester baby on a surgical field. The baby was moving its’ tiny head and limbs remarkably like a newborn baby. The image was both beautiful and heartbreaking since this little one could not survive.

The Speak Life video is covered with a warning that “This video may be sensitive to some people” and posted by Jonathan Van Maren, communications director for the Canadian Centre for Bio-Ethical Reform, with the caption ”This 8-second video of a first-trimester baby tells you everything you need to know about how wrong abortion is.”

I investigated further and it seems that the that the unborn baby was about 8 weeks old and that he or she had been removed after an ectopic pregnancy in which the unborn baby develops outside the womb.

Ectopic pregnancies can be life-threatening to both mother and child when the unborn baby develops in one of the Fallopian tubes leading to the womb, although there have been some rare cases where a baby develops in the abdomen and survives. Several years ago, I had an elderly patient who told me how her unborn baby survived decades ago when the doctors did not know that the baby was in the abdomen during her uneventful pregnancy until labor began. That is unlikely today since ultrasound images are routine during pregnancy.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

Although the baby in the video could not survive after he or she was removed, the video itself is powerful evidence that abortion takes the life of a real human person even in the first trimester.

Most abortions are performed in the first trimester when women and the public are often told by organizations like Planned Parenthood that the unborn baby is just a “clump of cells”.  In the first trimester, most babies are aborted by either vacuum suction which destroys the little person or by  medical abortion using pills to first disrupt the attachment of the unborn baby to the mother and then expel the baby. However, abortion reversal is possible after the first set of pills.

Women who have abortions rarely see their baby after a first trimester abortion but it has happened, especially with medical abortion. This can be very traumatic to the woman. Contrast the look of the deceased first trimester unborn baby in the article titled “She took the abortion pill, then saw her 7-week-old baby” with the living first trimester unborn baby in the video.

CONCLUSION

Years ago, my late daughter Marie became unexpectedly pregnant and found out that the unborn baby was growing in one of her Fallopian tubes rather than her womb. She had to have emergency surgery when the tube ruptured.

Afterwards, the surgeon showed me the picture he had taken (unasked) during the surgery to remove the then deceased baby, my grandchild. The picture was personally so sad to see but I was comforted that the surgeon cared enough to take a picture of this tiny person.

After so many years and so many experiences as a nurse and volunteer in the pro-life movement, I believe that all women should be given the opportunity to know the truth about their unborn baby’s humanity as part of informed consent before abortion.

And I believe the rest of us should also have the opportunity to learn the same truth before we support legalized abortion.

This video of a living, first trimester unborn baby speaks louder than mere words.

When Children Die, Where is God?

nancyvalko end-of-life, faith, family, grief

This week, I was called to see a beautiful 2 month old baby boy I will call “Joseph” who was brought by his grandmother, mother and father to one of my city’s children’s hospitals from a small town hours away.

Joseph was born with a rare genetic condition called Trisomy 13 and needed medical care for a problem. As a nurse who has been active in medical issues involving people with disabilities since having my daughter Karen who had Down Syndrome, I was asked to help the parents oversee Joseph’s care.

Baby Joseph was doing well until an unexpected problem developed and despite heroic efforts to save him, he died early Friday morning. It was so heartbreaking for his family and the rest of us but their love for Joseph was inspiring and they said they were blessed to have had him.

So instead of my usual blog, I would like to reprint an article I was asked to write for Voices magazine in 2012 in honor of baby Joseph and his wonderful family.

When Children Die, Where is God?

On October 18, 2012, we lost our 6-year-old grandson Noah after a long and often brutal battle with a rare autoimmune disease called familial HLH (Hemophagocytic lymphohistiocytosis). Less than two months later, on December 14, 2012, twenty children around our Noah’s age — along with other victims — were viciously gunned down at Sandy Hook Elementary School by a disturbed young gunman. While the Sandy Hook tragedy affected the whole country and Noah’s death affected a smaller group of family and friends, I kept hearing the same question: Where is God or does He even exist?

The answer is that God is where He always has been when we grieve and suffer: with us and even carrying us through the roughest times, as the famous “Footprints in the Sand” poem depicts.  But what does that really mean?

Almost forty four years ago, I witnessed my first death of a child as a student nurse. Thirty years ago, my baby daughter Karen who had Down Syndrome died from complications of pneumonia. Three years ago, my oldest daughter Marie died by suicide. And now, there are Noah and the Sandy Hook victims. Personally and professionally as a nurse, I have also been with countless parents and others who have lost loved ones. I would like to share what I discovered as my personal “survival guide” for coping with grief as a Catholic woman. It consists of three decisions I made years ago.

I Choose to Live

All death is hard because it involves loss, but the death of a child seems especially cruel no matter whether the death resulted from violence, accident, or illness. No parent expects to outlive their child. When the supposed “natural order” of life and death is breached, it shakes all of us to the core even when the child is not our own. Especially in today’s secular world, even people of faith can feel lost and helpless.

When a child dies, shock, denial, and even alcohol and drugs can cushion the crushing grief for a while but eventually reality sets in. It is hard to even consider facing years and years of living without that precious person. Life is totally disrupted and even the routine of being at a hospital or bedside feels like a loss. In my case when I lost my daughters, I had to remind myself that my husband, children, and others needed me, but at times even that thought seemed totally overwhelming rather than motivating.

Recently Cesar Millan, the famous “dog whisperer” talked about his suicide attempt after a number of losses and how he learned to cope with bereavement from his experience with dogs. When dogs grieve, he recommends three things: exercise, discipline, and affection. He said he found this also helped him.

Looking back, I found that these three techniques had helped me. Exercise decreased my anxiety and pain. Discipline meant appreciating even the most mundane routines of life or work and embracing the distraction. Hugging my loved ones and friends gave me a renewed sense of connection with the world and even with God.

However, I know that life will still contain many challenges. For example, while Noah’s 2 1/2-year-old brother Eli is free of HLH, we recently discovered that Noah’s unborn baby brother Liam, who is due in April, does have the disease and will also need a bone marrow transplant. We pray that he will achieve the cure that eluded Noah but we face the future with our confidence in God intact. I will never be a cockeyed optimist but I do know that storms can be weathered and that we can be better rather than bitter as a result. (2017: Liam is now a happy, healthy 4 year old,)

I Choose to Be Happy

This is perhaps the hardest decision that I or any other bereaved parent has made but it is crucial. Years ago I was with a young mother who tragically lost her 2-year-old son. We spoke almost daily for a long time. Finally, she told me that she couldn’t see ever getting past her grief. I asked her if she had laughed yet. Embarrassed, she said she was watching a TV comedy show the night before and realized that she thought she heard a sound resembling a laugh come out of her. I told her that any laughter was the beginning of healing. I reassured her that she would laugh again and have moments of pleasure more and more in the future and that she should celebrate those moments rather than feel guilty. Life may never be “normal” in the old sense but life still had the potential to be good, perhaps even great.

From other bereaved parents who helped me, I learned that you don’t have to hold onto the grief to hold onto the love you feel for your child. That beloved child would not want your life to be blighted by his or her death any more than you would want your children to be forever sad after your death. And, in our rich Catholic tradition, we honor Jesus’ mother Mary as Our Mother of Perpetual Help, not Our Mother of Perpetual Mourning.

I now look at working toward happiness and fostering a generally cheerful outlook as a tribute to my daughters and grandson. This doesn’t mean that I am immune from being blindsided by grief and longing when I accidentally hear certain songs, see another person their age, witness another death, etc. Like probably everyone else I still have what my husband kindly refers to as my “moments” when life seems like a long, hard slog. But I continuously strive to foster an attitude of gratitude for what — and especially who — I have left. I don’t want the children’s legacy to be one where their deaths destroyed a family.

There is no set timeline for grief and bereaved parents and other relatives need to be patient with themselves and those around them. I remember the old days in medicine when grieving relatives were immediately offered a tranquilizer. I knew even then that this often just delayed the process instead of helped. There is no “good” or “bad” way of grieving. Everyone has their unique journey although it is not a sign of weakness to ask for or offer professional help when necessary.

I was surprised by the depth of grief I felt for the Sandy Hook victims and their relatives. I found it excruciating to watch the relentless TV coverage of the tragedy but I also found it hard to turn away. However, in watching the story unfold, I was struck by the fact that although I have spoken with many other bereaved parents over the last three decades, I never met a parent who said they wished their beloved child had never been born rather than to have faced the grief the parent endured. Obviously, you can never lose when you truly love and I was so glad that the Sandy Hook parents were surrounded by loving, supportive people in their community and countless other caring people throughout the country who wanted to help.

Pain is an inescapable part of the grief journey, but we may hope that we all can eventually get to the point where it is the life, not the death, of our beloved child that is the most important to us.

I Choose Not to Reject God

I’ll never forget reading about a famous and outwardly successful man who said he gave up on the idea of God when his little sister died. This gentleman wound up with a series of failed marriages and despite his millions of dollars, is bitter and unhappy.

There is no question that faith is often challenged when tragedies like the death of a child happen. But rejecting God means rejecting the greatest source of love and healing that we so desperately need at our worst times.

I eventually realized that I never did and never will have total control over my or anyone else’s life and that this is tolerable because God has a Divine Plan. I’ll never forget the wonderful Visitation nuns who taught us that life is like a tapestry that is large, beautiful, and intricate. However, on this earth we see the tapestry only from the back. We see dark colors, chaos, and loose threads that seem to go nowhere. Nothing in the tapestry appears to make sense, much less beauty. It is only when we die that God turns the tapestry around and we can finally see the amazing result. God doesn’t cause tragedies but rather brings good out of the evil we see.

It was when my Karen was born that I discovered that God is communicating with us all the time. It was then that I started noticing what I call the “miracles of grace” that God seems to send at some of our most heart-searing times. Over the years there have been some great ones: The depressed friend intent on suicide who was saved at the last moment by a smile from Karen. The young person who came back to the Church when Marie died. The many people who have volunteered to become bone marrow donors in honor of Noah and to help others like his little brother Liam.

The big miracles of grace also taught me to look for and appreciate the smaller mercies that comforted me and let me know that God is there: The woman who told me that baby Karen had done more good in her short life than most 80 year-olds. Visits from Marie’s friends who told me wonderful stories about her that I never knew before. Great friends who seemed to call at exactly the right moment when Noah was so sick.

When I was a little girl, I was often irritated by my mother’s admonitions to “offer it up for the poor souls in Purgatory” when I was hurting either physically or emotionally. It took years for me to understand that offering up my pain for such souls or any other good intention for others often acted as a kind of pain reliever and, at the same time, made my pain meaningful in a good way. I also learned that even little acts of kindness performed in memory of a loved one were a great form of honor and gratitude for those lives that are still joined to us in God’s community of love.

Today, I would ask those of you who read this to consider offering up a frustrating situation or performing some small act of kindness in honor of Noah, Karen, Marie, and the Sandy Hook victims.

Those children are now in God’s Hands. The world is still in ours and we can make it better.

“What Kind of Mother is 8 Months Pregnant and Wants an Abortion?”

nancyvalko abortion, disability, euthanasia, family, grief, medical ethics, prenatal testing

Just after Christmas, the popular fast news website Yahoo News published the article “What Kind of Mother Is 8 Months Pregnant and Wants an Abortion?”  “as an example of one of our best of 2015.” (emphasis added)

In this story, an anonymous woman called “Kate”, a married mother of one daughter, found out at almost 8 months that her unborn second daughter had Dandy-Walker Syndrome, a genetic disorder that can result in mental and physical disabilities. A subsequent test was said to show severe brain abnormalities.

Kate, now an administrator of the website “Ending a Wanted Pregnancy” which includes a Poor Prenatal Diagnosis Index, decided to have an abortion-for her unborn daughter’s sake. Adoption and keeping the baby were mentioned as options but were rejected by Kate without explanation.

As Kate relates her story:

The doctor said, “We expect your baby to have moderate to severe mental retardation; she’s going to have moderate to severe physical disability; she is probably never going to walk or talk; she will possibly never be able to lift her head; she is going to have seizures all of the time… (and) Babies like this one are not generally comfortable enough to sleep.”

In that moment, I had to shift my thinking. I was hoping for special ed, and had been focusing on questions like: How much should you save to know your special-needs daughter will be OK after you die? I was thinking about long-term care and mild to moderate disability. Instead, I had to think about a baby who was probably not going to live very long, and the longer she lived, the more pain she would be in. That realization – that I was more scared of her living than of her dying — is what made the choice for me.

Kate then tells how difficult and expensive ($25,000) it was to find an abortionist to perform such a late abortion. Kate’s doctor eventually found one in Colorado, far from Kate’s home in Boston and Kate endured a four day abortion procedure.

Kate relates the procedure:

The whole first day was counseling and testing to make sure it was safe to do the procedure. They want to make sure you completely understand what is going to happen and that no one is pressuring you into the decision. At the end of the day, I signed all the paperwork, and the doctor injected the baby with a drug that, over a few hours, slowed her heart to still. It was a very, very difficult day. Euthanizing the baby is, obviously, a very hard thing to do. (emphasis added)

On the fourth day, labor was induced and Kate delivered her dead daughter.

Kate’s 2 year old daughter cried when Kate told her that her expected sister was “gone”. Three years after the abortion, Kate says

Now, every six months or so, we talk about it again — her understanding of it evolves as she grows. At this point, she knows the baby died because she was sick in a way the doctors couldn’t fix, because she had holes in her brain, and you need your whole brain to be healthy.

Kate’s story was obviously meant to generate sympathy for a distraught mother and thus show why abortion should continue to be legal. However, the shocking description of the third trimester abortion and the continued effect on the mother and sister undermine the narrative that abortion is the best option in such a difficult situation.

ANOTHER SIDE TO THE LATE-TERM ABORTION DECISION

Personally, I know what it is like to be told that your baby has severe problems and might die. I was told just a short time after my daughter Karen was born that she had an inoperable heart defect and would live just “2 weeks to 2 months.” I know the panic and fear that mothers like Kate must feel but in my case, as in many others, the doctor turned out to be  wrong about her terminal diagnosis.

Although my Karen later died of complications from pneumonia before her open heart surgery, I treasure the almost 6 months we had together and I have no regrets.

Today, I also have a wonderful stepdaughter who has Turner’s Syndrome, one of the conditions listed in the Poor Prenatal Diagnosis Index on the  “Ending a Wanted Pregnancy” website, and she is now a kind, generous woman who has no mental or physical disabilities.

In both these cases, abortion would have “solved” nothing.

Unfortunately, stories like Kate’s are desperately discouraging to women and families facing a difficult prenatal diagnosis. Tragically, the article also ignores the help and resources available to help such children and their families.

For example, the article does not mention groups like local Birthright centers and the website Prenatal Partners for Life which is “dedicated to providing families, either expecting, or those who have had, a child with special needs or a life limiting condition, the support, information, and encouragement they need to make informed decisions involving their preborn or newborn child’s care.” There are also support and information websites for specific conditions like the Dandy-Walker Alliance , the condition that Kate’s baby had.

And anyone who reads pro-life news sites such as Life News  and NRL News Today  has read many inspiring stories of hope and even unexpected happiness when a woman chooses life for her baby despite a difficult or even terminal diagnosis.

These and other other websites also contain information about Project Rachel, an organization that helps women, men and even families to heal after abortion.

CONCLUSION

I am not writing this blog to condemn Kate or other women who have had abortions. My heart goes out to them and I wish I could have had a chance to personally offer help, options, encouragement and information. I consider these women as additional victims of the abortion mentality that has so infected our society.

However, I do have a problem with abortion supporters who use such tragic stories to garner sympathy and support for their political agenda of legal abortion at any time for any reason and paid for by taxpayers as “reproductive health”.

Women and their babies deserve better.

IF I KNEW MY DAUGHTER HAD DOWN SYNDROME…

nancyvalko abortion, disability, grief, medical ethics

IF I KNEW MY DAUGHTER HAD DOWN SYNDROME….
September 6, 2015
Recently I read a Yahoo news article titled  “If I Knew My Daughter Had Down Syndrome, I Would Have Aborted Her – All Women Should Have That Right”  that broke my heart.
Beautiful pictures of this mom and her daughter accompanied her harsh words:

“Ohio is poised to become the second state in this country to ban abortion because of a fetal diagnosis of Down syndrome this fall. As a pro-choice woman who has a 7-year-old daughter with Down syndrome, I find this absolutely appalling.”
“This is an issue that hits close to home for me: If I had had a prenatal diagnosis, I would have obtained an abortion. Today, I am beyond grateful that I didn’t. But I cannot ever in any circumstances imagine insisting others not have that right.”

Here is what I wrote back in the comments section of this article:

I am an RN whose third child Karen was born in 1982 with both Down Syndrome and a heart defect. I was given a “choice” of whether or not to allow a surgery even though there was an up to 90% chance of success. I was outraged because that “choice” would not have been offered if my daughter did not have Down Syndrome. I knew then that I had to fight this medical discrimination not only for my daughter but for other children with disabilities.
Years later, a nice woman asked that, if I knew my daughter had Down Syndrome before birth, would I have chosen abortion. Instead of talking about how people with Down Syndrome were defying old, pessimistic predictions or how there was actually a waiting list of prospective adoptive parents for children with Down Syndrome, I asked the woman if she knew how abortions were done.
She said no so I asked her if she wanted to know. When she consented, I simply and clinically described how first, second and third trimester abortions were done. The woman responded with horror and said “You couldn’t do that to your child!”
That is exactly the point. It is not about what challenges a child may have but rather about deliberately killing an innocent child at any stage of life.
I would like to reassure the mom in this article that, while her feelings are understandable, she has apparently been a great mother to her daughter and should be proud of herself.
I would also like to encourage her to let go of any guilt over what she might have done, celebrate her beautiful daughter and please don’t discourage other mothers from choosing life for their child. Nancy V.

THE TRAGEDY OF SO-CALLED “THERAPUETIC ABORTION FOR FETAL DEFECT”

A friend of mine I will call “Mary” (not her real name) had an ultrasound of her unborn baby at 5 months that appeared to show anencephaly.  Anencephaly is a serious birth defect in which a baby is born without parts of the brain and skull. Most babies born with this condition die soon after birth.

However, Mary was also told that this pregnancy would kill her and, in a panic, she quickly endured 28 hours of hard labor with a prostaglandin-induced abortion before her baby was delivered. She never saw her baby.

Mary tried hard to put the tragedy behind her and decided to tell most of her friends that she had a miscarriage rather than an abortion. However, as she confided later, she half-expected to be somehow punished when she later had a son and it took several months after his birth before she could truly believe that her new son was healthy. But every Christmas she also secretly hung an ornament for her dead first child.

What Mary didn’t know was that her obstetrician apparently lied to her. First of all, she was not in any special physical danger from her pregnancy.

I later ran into an old friend who happened to be the doctor (not Mary’s obstetrician) who read her ultrasound. Since he also knew I was a friend of Mary’s, he asked how she was doing. He turned white and had to sit down when I told him about the abortion. It turns out that not only was Mary healthy but the ultrasound suggested only  the possibility of anencephaly. Such initial testing is too often wrong and should not be used as a definitive diagnosis.

I felt Mary had a right to know all this but she rebuffed my offer to tell her what I learned. However, five years later, she called and  said that although she didn’t want a lecture, she had a question that continued to haunt her: What did the hospital do with her baby’s body?

Abortion claims many victims because there is an enormous difference between dying and being killed no matter what the reason.

Pope Speaks on Forgiveness, Excommunication and Abortion; Confusion Ensues

nancyvalko abortion, faith, grief

POPE SPEAKS ON FORGIVENESS, EXCOMMUNICATION AND ABORTION, CONFUSION ENSUES

By Nancy Valko, RN ALNC

September 2, 2015

A recent Reuters news article  “Pope to allow all priests to forgive abortion during Holy Year“, stated that

In Church teaching, abortion is such a grave sin that those who procure or perform it incur an automatic excommunication. Usually only designated clergy and missionaries can formally forgive abortions.

That was news to many of us like Carol who wrote in a comment on the article:

Catholic priests have forgiven abortion for years! The Catholic church has always been concerned for the souls of women who have abortions! There are many Catholic programs for counseling and healing women who have had abortions. Check out Rachel’s Vineyard, one of many. This is just not news.

However, to many in the public and even some devout Catholics, the article seemed to show that Pope Francis and possibly the Catholic Church were softening on the issue of abortion.

THE TRUTH ABOUT FORGIVENESS, EXCOMMUNICATION AND ABORTION

As Cardinal Chaput of Philadelphia explains simply in an article “Chaput Praises Pope’s Abortion Stance“:

“For many years now, parish priests have been given permission to absolve the sin of abortion here in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia,” Chaput said in the statement. “But the practice has not been common in various other regions of the world.” (emphasis added)

Chaput added: “This action in no way diminishes the moral gravity of abortion. What it does do is make access to sacramental forgiveness easier for anyone who seeks it with a truly penitent heart.”

Questions and concerns about excommunication are addressed on pages 67-69 of Project Rachel Ministry: A Post-Abortion Resource Manual for Priests and Project Rachel Ministry Leaders. Here is an excerpt:

It is commonly thought that the Church excommunicates all Catholics who have procured a successful abortion. However, probably in a great many cases, mitigating or extenuating circumstances prevent the individual from incurring  the censure of excommunication. The tragedy of abortion triggers distinct and separate questions regarding the personal responsibility of one who has procured a successful abortion: has a sin been committed? If so, was the commission of that sin such that it also resulted in the incurring of a penalty?

“JANE’S” STORY

Years ago when I was in home health, I was assigned to “Jane” (not her real name),  an elderly woman  who was dying of  heart disease. The doctor said he was amazed that Jane had lived this long in an assisted living apartment. The home health agency told me that this woman was a very difficult patient who had fired every nurse who saw her. I was told that I was a last resort to try to help her. I could only hope that I would be equal to the challenge.
Sure enough, on my first appointment, Jane was very critical and negative. She seemed immune to positive comments and encouragement.  I recognized that Jane was very troubled and I tried to find out more about her. I discovered that Jane was a widow with few if any friends and a daughter in California who could only visit occasionally.  Jane raged daily against the limitations that her disease caused and the the medical establishment in general.
However, after several visits, Jane slowly softened and even showed a glimmer of a sense of humor. I liked her spirit.

Part of my duties was to measure her swollen abdomen and legs to determine if the diuretic (water pill) was working as intended to lessen the workload on her heart.
Then one day as I was measuring her abdomen, she commented that she looked 9 months pregnant and uncharacteristically started sobbing. She told me that she had had an abortion over 60 years ago before she was married and lost who she assumed was a son. Now she felt God was punishing her by making her look pregnant. Out of shame, Jane had told no one-not even her late husband-about the abortion.
She admitted that she was afraid of dying because she knew she would then have to go to hell because she had committed the “unforgivable sin” of abortion. I was stunned.
I reassured her that there was no such thing as an “unforgivable sin” and that God is all-merciful. I also told her about Project Rachel, how I could help her contact them, and that she deserved the peace of forgiveness from God and especially from herself.

Slowly, her outlook changed and even though she never called Project Rachel (she insisted that our talks and contacting a priest were enough), her spirits lifted. She died peacefully a few days later.
Postscript: I was later told by a priest that he was reluctant to preach about abortion because he realized that some in his parish probably had had an abortion and he didn’t want to cause them more pain and drive them away from church.
I told him Jane’s story and said that if he did not discuss abortion, he was depriving his parish of understanding the damage abortion causes, the help of groups like Project Rachel and the mercy of God’s forgiveness.

I know Jane would be pleased.