adoption

A Crisis Pregnancy Close to Home

nancyvalko abortion, adoption, culture, economics, family, law, pro-life, sex ed

A few days ago, I read an article from one of the medical news sites I subscribe to titled Would You Like to Keep This Pregnancy?’ I Asked My 13-Year-Old Patient–Having a choice can help end cycles of poverty among marginalized teen patients”.

Of course, the doctor/author was pro-abortion and the article was horrifying to me. I thought how differently a pro-life healthcare provider would handle the situation and remembered a news article I wrote in March, 1998 for the National Catholic Register newspaper.

Here is the news article:

“A Crisis Pregnancy Close to Home“

When it’s your own unmarried teenage daughter facing a staggering ‘choice,’ are you still pro-life?

“Mom, I’m pregnant.” When these words are uttered by your unmarried teenage daughter, it’s a heart-stopping moment for any parent. When the parent is a committed pro-lifer, the shock is often overlaid with stunned disbelief, shame, and guilt. “Hasn’t she been listening? This isn’t supposed to happen to my daughter!” and “How did I fail her?” are common first reactions. I know.

This Christmas, my 18-year-old daughter quietly told me that two at-home pregnancy tests came out positive.

Marie, named after the Blessed Mother, had long been my “worry child.” A brittle crust of teen rebellion had long covered a soft, sensitive heart, leading to a constant round of minor and not-so-minor infractions and arguments. Lately, though, her life seemed to be coming together. A“B” average at college and a job she loved lulled me into a sense that the worst was over. She confided that she thought she was falling in love and we talked about the pressures and temptations such strong emotions bring. Street-wise and assertive, I thought she was “safe.” But, as countless other parents have also discovered, my child lives in a world that too often considers virginity a disability and chastity an old-fashioned ideal.

The one bright spot in that night of tears and fears was that abortion was never considered an option by Marie: “Mom, I couldn’t kill my baby!” Although I was heartbroken by the circumstances of this pregnancy, I couldn’t help but feel proud of her for having the courage and common sense to reject the abortion “option.”

Surprisingly, she said all her friends were against her having an abortion and a few who had been leaning “pro-choice” were now rethinking their position. Two of her friends actually threatened to physically stop her from having an abortion even before she told them that she would never abort.

We didn’t resolve everything that first night or even later. Adoption or keeping the baby is still the big question and one that will involve a lot of prayer, thought, and discussion. It hasn’t been easy, but facing this crisis together has taught both of us so much already. What the future holds for Marie and her baby is uncertain but, with prayer and love, it is still a future bright with promise for both of them.

A Common Stereotype

A January 1998 New York Times article, “Many Women Make No Link Between Abortion and Politics,” perpetuates a common stereotype-the pro-lifer who chooses abortion when a crisis pregnancy hits home. Writer Tamar Lewin states, “Almost every abortion-clinic counselor can reel off stories of patients who say that they have always opposed abortion but that their own situation is different, or men who bring their pregnant wives or teenage daughters to the very same clinics that they have long spoken out against.”

But conversations with people active in the pro-life movement reveal a very different picture. Not surprisingly, pro-life people willing to help total strangers with a crisis pregnancy are also ready to help and support their own sons and daughters facing the same crisis.

“You think it’s the blackest day in your life when your daughter tells you she’s pregnant,” Lucy R., long active in the pro-life movement, says. A smile lights her voice. “But it’s really the beginning of a great blessing. That little boy (now six years old) is the light of our lives.” She credits prayer and pro-life principles for that happy ending.

Janet B. was a young professional when her sister told her that she had had an abortion without their parents’ knowledge because although their mother and father were strongly pro-life, the sister was sure they “just couldn’t take it (an unwed pregnancy).”

When Janet herself became pregnant out of wedlock, her parents became her biggest supporters. “We became so much closer,” she says. “My sister was wrong.” Interviews with pro-life supporters around the country reveal that this kind of family support during a crisis pregnancy appears to be the norm, not the exception.

Marcia Buterin RN, founder of Missouri Nurses for Life and active in the pro-life movement for 25 years, has had broad experience with pro-life parents whose daughters or sons have had crisis pregnancies. “It almost seems like an epidemic sometimes,” she says. “Pro-lifers are not immune from what is happening in the rest of society.”

But, she says, the reaction of the parents she has known has been invariably positive despite the heartache at discovering a son or daughter has been sexually active. She also says that, in the vast majority of cases, the young women keep their babies rather than releasing them for adoption. This echoes statistics which show that more than 90% of unmarried mothers keep their babies, almost the opposite situation of a generation ago when most of these mothers chose adoption. Thus, pro-lifers are not only supporting their daughters and sons during their pregnancies but also are usually involved in helping to raise their grandchildren.

Waning Support for Abortion

Not only do pro-lifers appear to routinely reject abortion for their unmarried children, society seems to be slowly starting to change its attitude toward abortion and the unmarried. According to the latest New York Times/CBS News poll, not only has support for abortion-on-demand eroded by an estimated 8% since 1989, but public support for abortion when pregnancy threatens to interrupt a woman’s career or education has also dropped 14% and 8% respectively.

A clear majority of the people polled did not feel these circumstances justified abortion. Undermining a basic abortion rights tenet that familiarity with abortion increases public acceptance, the same poll showed that “personal experience” was twice as likely to be given as a reason for becoming less favorable towards abortion rather than more supportive of abortion.

At the same time, a new wave of pro-life sentiment appears to be rising in a most unexpected place-the young people who have grown up under the shadow of Roe. The Times/CBS News poll showed even less support for abortion on demand among 18-29 year olds (29%) than among the general public (32%). The Alan Guttmacher Institute, the research arm of Planned Parenthood, has noted that “in recent years, fewer pregnant teens have chosen to have an abortion.” Even the media is beginning to notice. In a Jan. 21 New York Times article “A New Generation Rising Against Abortion,” writer Laurie Goodstein interviewed an eclectic group of young people attending a Rock for Life concert and found thoughtful and strong pro-life support even among those sporting tattoos and punk-style clothing.

Some explained that they began considering the value of life after losing friends to suicide, drug overdoses, and automobile accidents.

Goodstein also noted that many of the concert-goers she interviewed said that they arrived at a “right to life” position on their own and that, to be consistent, they also opposed the death penalty and assisted suicide and supported abstinence.

Countering Rock for Choice and other groups which help raise money for abortion rights groups, Rock for Life is a relatively recent phenomenon which reaches young people through the potent medium of music. Concert organizer Bryan Kemper told Goodstein that 15 concerts have already been staged and that there have been 110 bands “willing to perform for gas money.” Rock for Life is not the only sign that the pro-life movement is connecting with a new generation. Teens for Life, started in 1985, is a national organization run by young people encouraging teens to speak up for life and get involved in community activities. It has chapters throughout the country and continues to grow in numbers.

Another positive sign is the increasing number of pro-life groups springing up on college campuses. And not just on religiously-affiliated college campuses. MIT, Princeton, and the University of Texas are among colleges which not only have pro-life groups but also have websites on the Internet.

What Helps, What Hurts

But trends and statistics do not meet the needs of the individual young woman and her family suddenly facing a crisis pregnancy. The first reactions of parents and others to the news is extremely important to the woman and can even make the life-or-death difference for the unborn baby. When the first reaction is anger or a stern lecture about premarital sex, the young woman can feel abandoned and, in her despair, decide that eliminating the baby will make everyone feel better.

Parents and friends of young men and women coping with an unwed pregnancy are often unsure of what to say or how to handle the situation. One newer resource developed to help with this problem is a video and pamphlet called First Words: Can Our First Reaction to an Unplanned Pregnancy Save a Child’s Life? produced by American Life League.

The video tells the stories of four young women who faced an unwed pregnancy and encountered a range of reactions from friends and family. In their own words, these young women share how these reactions influenced their decisions about whether or not to abort their babies. The pamphlet is written by Cathy Brown who candidly tells her own story and offers helpful advice to parents and others.

But deciding against abortion is only the first step in a crisis pregnancy. The decision about whether to keep the baby or release him/her for adoption is often the most agonizing question for a young woman. Questions about insurance coverage and prenatal care, maintaining or losing a relationship with the father, the reactions of other children in the family, etc. are some of the practical and immediate concerns. Birthright and other pro-life pregnancy counseling centers can be a big help to families struggling with a crisis pregnancy.

Members of the family’s church can also help provide much needed spiritual and emotional support as well as involving the community in the nurturing of a new life.

For parents, especially pro-life parents, embarrassment and feelings of failure are common and understandable. It’s hard to put aside such feelings and concentrate on the feelings and needs of a son or daughter. But, as Donna B., a long-time pro-life activist and herself the mother of a pregnant teen, says, “Abortion is the real failure. It’s OK to be proud when your daughter chooses life.”

Nancy Valko writes from St. Louis, Mo.

THE TRAGIC DIVIDE ON THE ROE V. WADE ABORTION DECISION

nancyvalko abortion, adoption, education, euthanasia, hospice, law, medical ethics, nursing, Planned Parenthood

It has been almost physically painful to watch the tidal wave of rage and misinformation dividing Americans after the outrageous leak of Supreme Court Justice Alito’s draft decision on the Dobbs V Jackson Women’s Health Organization returning abortion laws back to the states.

But this is not the first time I saw such division about abortion.

I was a young intensive care unit nurse when the Roe v. Wade decision came down in 1973. Like most people I knew, I was surprised and shocked when abortion was legalized.

However, I quickly found that my medical colleagues were split on the issue, and I was vehemently attacked for being against abortion. I was even asked what I would do if I was raped and pregnant. When I replied that I would not have an abortion and would probably release the baby for adoption, I was ridiculed. Our formerly cohesive unit began to fray.

But I was professionally offended by the pro-life argument that legalizing abortion would lead to the legalization of infanticide and euthanasia.  

It was one thing to deny the truth with an early and unobserved unborn baby, but it was quite another to imagine any doctor or nurse looking at a born human being and killing him or her.

How wrong I was!

As I wrote in my 2019 blog “Roe v. Wade’s Disastrous Impact on Medical Ethics” , it wasn’t until the 1982 Baby Doe case and my daughter Karen’s birth and death opened my eyes and changed my life.

HARD TRUTHS ABOUT ABORTION

Because I am a nurse and mother, I have personally learned some hard truths about abortion and the abortion industry. Here are some of my experiences.

A young relative came to me after visiting a Planned Parenthood clinic for a suspected sexually transmitted disease. She said the clinic told her that she didn’t have an infection but the girl continued to get worse-and scared.

I arranged for her to see my own pro-life ob-gyn who discovered that the infection had damaged her cervix so much that part of it had to be removed and, even worse, she would probably have to have her cervix sewn shut until delivery if she became pregnant in the future.

Learning that Planned Parenthood had apparently missed the diagnosis, my doctor never charged for his services.

KNOWLEDGE IS ESSENTIAL

I will never forget the Christmas day my 18-year-old daughter told me she was pregnant.

We talked for hours, and I told her that I would support any decision she would make-except abortion.

She laughed and told me that abortion was not an option because she “knew too much”, especially from the prenatal pamphlets I showed my children with each pregnancy. They all were excited about how their brother or sister was developing and asked almost daily what their unborn sibling was now able to do.

My first grandchild is now 23 years old and has a loving family who allows us to be part of her life.

And we know even more now about pregnancy, as I wrote in my 2019 blog “An Amazing Video of a Living, First Trimester Unborn Baby” . The video shows an approximately 8 week old unborn baby moving its’ tiny head and limbs remarkably like a newborn baby. Unfortunately, the video was both heartbreaking and beautiful since this little one was developing outside the mother’s womb (ectopic pregnancy) and had to be removed surgically. He or she could not survive for long but this recognizable baby was obviously not a “clump of cells”!

POST-ABORTION TRAUMA IS REAL

Many years ago when I worked in home health and hospice, I cared for a very cranky, elderly woman I will call “Rose” who had rejected all the other nurses in our agency. Even her own doctor had problems with her and told me that he could not understand why she was even still alive because her end stage congestive heart failure was so severe. Part of my assignment was to measure her abdomen and legs to adjust her diuretics (water pills).

As I got to know Rose over a few visits, she softened towards me and began telling me about her life. But one day, while I was measuring her abdomen, she burst into tears and told me she hated looking 9 months pregnant because of the fluid retention in her abdomen. Rose said she knew it was God punishing her for the abortion she had 60 years before!

Rose had never told anyone, not even her late husband, about the abortion she had before marrying him. She felt that baby was the boy she never had but she didn’t feel worthy to even name him. She also told me that she knew she had committed the “unforgivable sin” and was afraid to die because she would be sent to hell. My heart went out to this woman who was suffering so much, more emotionally than even physically.

We talked for a long time and in a later visit about forgiveness and God’s love. I told her about Project Rachel, a healing ministry for women (and even men) wounded by abortion. I gave her the phone number and offered to be with her to meet a counselor or priest but she insisted that my talking with her was enough to help. I felt it wasn’t but she seemed to achieve a level of peace and she even started smiling.

I wasn’t surprised when Rose died quietly and comfortably in her sleep about a week later.

OFFERING HELPFUL INFORMATION IS CRUCIAL

In 1989, I had just started working as an RN on an oncology (cancer) unit when we discovered that one of our patients had CMV (Cytomegalovirus).

One of our nurses was pregnant and tested positive for the virus. Her doctor told her how her baby could die or have terrible birth defects from the virus and he recommended an abortion.

“Sue” (not her real name) was frantic. She had two little girls and worked full time. She said she didn’t know how she could manage a child with serious birth defects.

I told her that it was usually impossible to know if or how much a baby might be impaired before birth. I also told her about my Karen who was born with Down Syndrome and a critical heart defect and died at 5 months. I told her that I treasured the time I had with her and later babysat children with a range of physical and mental disabilities.

Most importantly, I also told her that I would be there to help her and her baby.

“Sue” decided against abortion and told the other nurses what I said.

The other nurses were furious with me and said if the baby was born with so much as an extra toe, they would never talk to me again.

But slowly, the other nurses came around and also offered to help Sue and her baby.

In the end, we all celebrated when Sue had her first son who was perfectly healthy!

CONCLUSION

Many people don’t understand is that being pro-life isn’t just being against abortion, infanticide and euthanasia. What being pro-life really means is truly caring about all lives, born or unborn.

What I have found most helpful is a  sincere interest and willingness to help when encountering people struggling with an abortion decision for themselves or someone close to them.

Why talk about abortion? Because we never know who may need to hear the truth and we need to help heal the tragic divide in our nation by our example.

My 2000 Voices Magazine Article: Who Wants a “Defective” Baby?

nancyvalko abortion, adoption, civil rights, disability, education, faith, family, law, medical ethics, prenatal testing, pro-life

This month, it was revealed that President Joe Biden “wants Congress to pass a law making abortions legal up to birth” after the US Supreme Court refused to temporarily block the Texas Heartbeat Law.

While talking to a friend about this, I remembered a 2000 Voices magazine article I wrote about why every unborn child deserves protection and she asked that I send it to her. Sadly, this magazine is no longer publishing.

This is the article I wrote that appears on my other blogsite that contains articles, op-eds, etc. that I wrote up to 2014, when I started this blog. The reflection at the end of this article was published by the National Down Syndrome Association and was-to my surprise-eventually reprinted in several other countries.

Voices Online Edition
Summer 2000
Volume XV, No. 2 – Jubilee Year

Who Wants a “Defective” Baby?

by Nancy Valko, R.N.

“Of course, no one wants to adopt a defective baby. ” This was said with much emotion (and not much charm) by an older gentleman in a class at a local university where I was speaking this past April. I had been invited to discuss the legalities and effects of Roe v. Wade from a pro-life point of view to a class of senior citizens studying the Constitution and the Supreme Court.

While several of these senior citizen students defended abortion as a matter of complete privacy for the mother, their arguments centered around the “need” for legalized abortion as a solution for social problems.

Since I had told the story of my daughter Karen, born in 1982 with Down Syndrome and a severe heart defect, the pro-abortion students were extremely vocal about the personal and societal justifications for aborting a baby like Karen. Hence the statement about no one wanting to adopt a “defective” baby.

“Happily, sir,” I told the senior student, “You are wrong. Even back when I had Karen, I found out from the National Down Syndrome Association that there was a list of people waiting to adopt a baby with Down Syndrome. Just the night before, I added, I had found a new website for matching prospective parents with children who had chromosomal and physical defects.”

The student refused to believe that this could be true.

The effects of Roe v. Wade
Life of the mother, incest, rape and fetal defect are the four hard cases usually cited to justify what has now become abortion on demand. All of these are uncommon reasons given in the estimated 1.3 million abortions every year; but the possibility of having a child with a birth defect is a common fear nearly all expectant mothers experience and, not surprisingly, polls show that the majority of the public support abortion in this circumstance.

Although I have always been pro-life, I could understand the fear underlying these poll results — until my own daughter was born.

Just two weeks before the birth of my daughter Karen, I saw a mother trying to pry her young son with Down Syndrome away from a display case at the supermarket. She looked exhausted.

“Please, Lord,” I silently prayed, “Let this baby be ok. I can handle anything but Downs.”

When Karen was born with Down Syndrome, I was stunned. But I was quickly put in touch with mothers from the Down Syndrome Association who replaced my fears with information and realistic hope.

Then a doctor told me the truly bad news. Karen had a heart defect, one so severe that it seemed inoperable and she was not expected to live more than 2 months. That certainly put things in the proper perspective.

What “pro-choice” really means
It turned out later that Karen’s heart defect was not quite as bad as originally thought and could be corrected with one open-heart surgery, but I was shocked when the cardiologist told me he would support me 100% if I decided not to agree to the surgery and allow her to die. This was especially hard to hear because, as a nurse, I knew that the doctor would have been otherwise enthusiastic about an operation offering a 90% chance of success — if my child didn’t also have Down Syndrome. Apparently, even though Karen was now a legal person according to Roe v. Wade by the fact of her birth, this non-treatment option could act as a kind of 4th trimester abortion.

It was then that I realized what pro-choice really meant: Choice says it doesn’t really matter if a particular child lives or dies. Choice says the only thing that really matters is how I feel about this child and my circumstances. I may be “Woman Hear Me Roar” in other areas according to the militant feminists, but I was not necessarily strong enough for a child like this.

I also finally figured out that Roe v. Wade’s effects went far beyond the proverbial desperate woman determined to end her pregnancy either legally or illegally. The abortion mentality had so corrupted society that it even endangered children like my Karen after birth. Too many people, like the student in Supreme Court class, unfortunately viewed Karen as a tragedy to be prevented.

Medical progress or search and destroy?
In the late 1950s, a picture of the unborn baby using sound waves became the first technique developed to provide a window to the womb. Ultrasound in recent years has been used to save countless lives by showing women that they were carrying a living human being rather than the clump of cells often referred to in abortion clinics.

But while expectant parents now routinely and proudly show ultrasound pictures of their developing baby, there is a darker side to prenatal testing. Besides ultrasound, which can show some birth defects, blood tests like AFP testing and the Triple Screen to test for neural tube defects or Down Syndrome are now becoming a routine part of prenatal care. Amniocentesis and chorionic villus sampling are also widely available tests to detect problems in the developing baby. It seems that every year, new testing techniques are tried and older ones refined in the quest to find birth defects prenatally.

97% of the time, women receive the good news that their baby seems fine; but the tests are not foolproof, and they can only test for hundreds of the thousands of known birth defects. Relatively few such birth defects can be treated in the womb at the present time. Some women want testing so that they can prepare for a child who has a birth defect, but when the tests do show a possible problem like Down Syndrome, up to 90% of women will abort.

While some hail prenatal testing as a way to prevent birth defects, the effects of such testing has led to what author Barbara Katz Rothman calls the “tentative pregnancy” in her 1993 book of the same name. Although Rothman calls herself pro-choice, her studies of women considering amniocentesis led to her conclude that such testing has changed the normal maternal-child bonding in pregnancy and the experience of motherhood, usually for the worse.

“I might not be pregnant”
I observed this firsthand several years ago when I ran into an acquaintance and congratulated her on her obvious pregnancy. I was stunned when she replied, “Don’t congratulate me yet. I might not be pregnant.”

Diane, the mother of a 5-year-old boy, went on to explain that she was awaiting the results of an amniocentesis and said, “I know what you went through with your daughter but I can’t give up my life like that. If this (the baby) is Downs, it’s gone.”

I reassured her that the test would almost surely show that her baby was ok, but I added that if the results were not what she expected I would like her to call me. I promised that I would give her any help she needed throughout the pregnancy and that my husband and I or even another couple would be willing to adopt her baby. She was surprised, as I later found out, both by my reaction and the information about adoption.

Diane gave birth to a healthy baby girl a few months later and apologized for her comments, saying that she probably would not have had an abortion anyway. But I understood her terrible anxiety. Society itself seems to have a rather schizophrenic attitude towards children with disabilities.

On one hand, people are inspired by the stories of people who have disabilities and support organizations like the Special Olympics; but, on the other hand, many people consider it almost irresponsible to bring a child with disabilities into the world to suffer when prenatal testing and abortion are so available.

But as the vast majority of parents who are either natural or adoptive parents of children with disabilities will attest, all children are born with both special gifts and special limitations. No child should be denied birth because of a disability or even a limited life expectancy.

Women who do abort after a diagnosis of a birth defect are also hurt. Besides depriving themselves of the special joys — which occur along with the difficulties — of loving and caring for such a child, these women often experience unresolved grief, guilt and second-guessing instead of the relief and peace they expect.

A few years ago, a local hospital which performs late-term abortions for birth defects asked a miscarriage and stillbirth counseling group to help with their distressed patients. The group declined, citing the fact that the most reassuring message they give grieving mothers is that there is nothing they did or didn’t do that caused the death of their babies. Obviously, that was not a statement they could make to mothers who abort. There is a very real difference between losing and terminating a child.

How many of these mothers knew before their abortions that, in practical terms, there has never been a better array of services and support for children with disabilities and their parents? Or that their children were dearly wanted by prospective adoptive parents? Such information might have been just the support they needed to choose life for their children.

Final thoughts
Despite the best medical care, my Karen died at the age of 5 and 1/2 months, but the impact of her life has lived on. At her funeral Mass, the priest talked about how this child who never walked or talked had transformed the lives of those who met her.

Especially mine.

After Karen died, I sat down and tried to put into words what Karen and all children with disabilities have to teach the rest of us. The following reflection was published in the National Down Syndrome Association newsletter in May, 1984.

THINGS NO TEACHER EVER TAUGHT
In 1982 my daughter, Karen, was born with Down Syndrome and a severe heart defect. Less than six months later she died of complications of pneumonia. Karen may have been retarded but she taught me things no teacher ever did.

Karen taught me:

That life isn’t fair — to anyone. That self-pity can be an incapacitating disease. That God is better at directing my life than I am. That there are more caring people in the world than I knew. That Down Syndrome is an inadequate description of a person. That I am not “perfect” either, just human. That asking for help and support is not a sign of weakness. That every child is truly a gift from God. That joy and pain can be equally deep. That you can never lose when you love. That every crisis contains opportunity for growth. That sometimes the victory is in trying rather than succeeding. That every person has a special purpose in life.

That I needed to worry less and celebrate more.

Sources:

1. “Prenatal Testing”, by Nancy Valko, R.N. and T. Murphy Goodwin, M.D., pamphlet, Easton Publishing Co.

2. “Doctors have prenatal test for 450 genetic diseases” by Kim Painter. USA Today, 8/15/97

3. Rothman, Barbara Katz. The Tentative Pregnancy. Revised, 1993. WW Norton and Co.

4. “Advances, and Angst, in a New Era of Ultrasound”, by Randi Hutter Epstein. New York Times. May 9, 2000.

Nancy Valko, R.N., a contributing editor for Voices, is a former president of Missouri Nurses for Life who has practiced in St. Louis for more than thirty years. An expert on life issues, Mrs. Valko writes a regular column on the subject for Voices.

**Women for Faith & Family operates solely on your generous donations!

Shout Your ADOPTION!

nancyvalko abortion, adoption, Planned Parenthood

The National Association of Pro-life Nurses (NAPN) has loved to feature stories about adoption and wants to feature more such stories on our website.

As our president Sue Meyers has written:

“We have named the program, “Shout Your Adoption.”

We would like to include more stories of adoption in our newsletter. Pro-Life people are all about offering alternatives to abortion and many adopt babies, children with disabilities and hard-to-place children. As a grandmother to a three-year-old, adorable (just ask me) grandson, I cannot imagine life without Andrew.

Please send your stories to me at lmeyers@nethtc.net .Don’t worry about getting it written perfectly, we will polish it, if necessary. We won’t use names unless you give us permission. Thank you so much! I can’t wait to read your stories!”

When a new life is unexpected and in difficult circumstances, women are often encouraged or even coerced into an abortion and not considering the adoption option.

I saw this myself when my 18 year old daughter became pregnant in 1998.

But when my daughter received help and support, she chose adoption and never regretted knowing her daughter was in loving hands.

These stories may not only help future mothers and babies but also their families and other loved ones. And, especially today, with Planned Parenthood’s “Shout Your Abortion” promotion, our society really needs to hear these pro-life stories.

In 2012, I wrote an article about my my daughter’s and our family’s adoption story for Voices magazine titled “Open Adoption: A Love Story” in the hope that other women and their families would be helped by our story.

I hope you will consider writing yours!

Two Wonderful Stories: A Prenatal Misdiagnosis; Man Saves Grandchild from Abortion

nancyvalko abortion, adoption, culture, prenatal testing

A PRENATAL MISDIAGNOSIS

 Drew and Adriann Corpstein were devastated when they were told at 20 weeks that their unborn baby had a lethal brain abnormality called semilobar holoprosencephaly, an abnormality of brain development in which the brain doesn’t properly divide into right and left hemispheres. They were told that the baby might only live a few days as a “vegetable” and encouraged the couple to consider a late-term abortion.

Instead they decided to trust God, deliver their baby and love him for whatever time they had with him.

Baby Matthew was born on July 29 but just the next day, the doctor gave them the stunning news that Baby Matthew did NOT have the lethal brain condition but rather hydrocephalus-an excess of fluid around the brain that can be treated with a shunt. Baby Matthew could then survive and even have the chance of a fully functioning life! (Click here to see a beautiful video of Baby Matthew and his parents.)

Personally, I have seen more than one prenatal diagnosis turn out to be wrong.

Of course, prenatal testing is not always wrong but there is cause for concern about the number of unborn babies misdiagnosed, especially with some newer screening blood tests. (Please see my February blog “A Dark Side of Prenatal Testing” )

But there are alternatives to abortion when the prenatal diagnosis turns out to be accurate.

As Baby Matthew’s parents mentioned in the article, they prepared for end of life care for him when he was expected to die shortly after birth and there are often such hospices available in many areas.

There are also organizations like Prenatal Partners for Life  and Be Not Afraid that provide support, information, resources and encouragement for carrying to term with an adverse prenatal diagnosis.

These organizations’ websites also have parents’ stories of their children with a range of prenatal diagnoses ranging from lethal ones like anencephaly to disabilities like Down Syndrome or Spina Bifida.

MAN SAVES GRANDCHILD FROM ABORTION

This month, I read an uplifting story that personally resonated with me.

With a heavy heart because his wife was “dead-set” on abortion for their 16 year old daughter, “Brian” took his daughter to A Woman’s Pregnancy Center  in Tallahassee, Florida. But when his daughter went in to speak to a counselor, “Brian” was surprised when a male counselor wanted to speak with him.

“Brian” didn’t know that when a client comes into A Women’s Pregnancy Center (a crisis pregnancy center) with another person, the staff determines the other person’s relationship to the client and invites the support person to speak with a different counselor about their thoughts and feelings on the client’s situation.

“Brian” told the counselor that his wife wanted their daughter to have an abortion and he wanted their daughter to be safe. But when the counselor told him, in effect, that ‘You are made in the image of God for a reason and a purpose. You are Eliza’s father AND the grandfather of her child. He is the Creator of the Universe and has given you this role. Trust Him, and He will equip you to take care of your family’, “Brian” changed.

He went to his daughter and said “Baby girl, we’ve got this.” He told his daughter to look at him and said “I’m going to take care of you.” His daughter burst into tears of relief.

Sherri Daume, director of client services at the clinic, explained about ministering to a support person when a woman is considering abortion:

“The support person is often as confused and scared for their loved one as the client herself. They might have a grandchild or niece or nephew in the picture. They usually want to help the client but don’t know how. We equip the support person with information and resources that help them support their loved one in a relevant way.”

I totally agree with this and I have personally seen the effects of such support.

When my oldest daughter Marie became pregnant at 18, her friends were “pro-choice” on abortion. But, as she told me, she knew too much about unborn babies and abortion from growing up in a pro-life family. For Marie, abortion was out of the question.

Marie was surprised but pleased when she told her “pro-choice” friends that she would not have an abortion and they enthusiastically supported her decision. Many even offered to help. However, they did not support her anguished but brave decision to release her baby for adoption.

I told her that I would support her if she decided to raise her baby herself but she decided that her and the father’s problems would keep her baby from having the best life possible.

That decision was hard for our family to accept but our beautiful oldest granddaughter turned 20 this week with the loving and proud parents who adopted her after birth. And despite my daughter’s untimely death almost 9 years ago, we are so grateful that our family will also be able to celebrate this milestone with her and the family who adopted her.

My Most Memorable Mother’s Day

nancyvalko adoption, culture, family

Mother’s Day has always been special to me since my children were born although I always thought I should be thanking my children for making me a mom instead of them thanking me.

However, Mother’s Day 1998 was my most memorable for another reason.

My oldest daughter Marie had just started college and dating the first boy she said she loved when she found out she was pregnant. The young man offered to marry her but she thought about some serious problems they both had and felt she had to refuse.

Over the next several months, Marie was torn between keeping her baby and choosing adoption. When she considered the most important question of what would be best for the baby, she finally decided on open adoption. It was not an easy decision and we were both heartbroken by the realization that Marie would not be raising the baby herself.

Unfortunately, due to the unwed pregnancy, there was almost no support from extended family members. In addition, most of Marie’s friends supported her rejection of abortion but not her decision for adoption. However, I was proud and awed by Marie’s heroic determination to give her baby the best life possible.

It was a difficult time but then on Mother’s Day that year, a card came in the mail from a priest friend of mine that brought a big ray of sunshine and truth to the situation. 

It was a beautiful Mother’s Day card for Marie!

Marie and I both smiled and cried because it was such a wonderful acknowledgement of Marie’s eternal motherhood as well as the gift of life. I can never thank that priest enough for his timely encouragement.

Four months later, Marie’s daughter was born and released to a wonderful couple who sent pictures every month.

Later on, when Marie’s daughter grew older, she called Marie every Mother’s Day and because of the generosity of her parents, she saw Marie often until Marie’s untimely death in 2009.

This thoughtful priest’s kindness in 1998 should remind us all that Mother’s Day should always be special whatever the circumstances and whether or not our children are in our arms or just in our hearts.

 

College professor Rachel Adams:”My son with Down syndrome is not a mascot for abortion restrictions”

nancyvalko abortion, adoption, disability

In this Washington Post article, Rachel Adams, herself a mother of a child with Down Syndrome, maintains that

“But we won’t end discrimination by limiting access to abortion, which will have the unwanted consequence of driving some women to risk their health by seeking illegal alternatives and other women to bear children they are not prepared to raise. Better to put resources into services and supports that improve the lives of people with Down syndrome and their families.” (Emphasis added)

This presents a false choice between aborting a child because of a probable diagnosis (without knowing the eventual prognosis) and a possibly difficult life for the mother, even though studies have shown great satisfaction in families with a child with Down Syndrome.

Also, it is very telling that nowhere in this article does Ms. Adams even mention adoption. There are groups helping prospective adoptive parents for children with Down Syndrome and other special needs. Here are just a few (this does not imply my personal endorsement of any group) : National Down Syndrome Adoption Network, Special Angels Adoption, Adopt America Network, Love without Boundaries-Adopt Special Needs, Special Needs Adoption Coalition.

Ms. Adams obviously loves her son but prenatal medical discrimination has led to medical discrimination after birth for people with disabilities. All the “resources into services and supports that improve the lives of people with Down syndrome and their families” she mentions will not necessarily protect her son’s life as he ages and especially if her son outlives her.

My son and daughter-in-law hope to adopt or foster a child when my daughter-in-law recovers from her recent kidney transplant. They have said they would be happy to have a child with special needs, especially a child with Down Syndrome like my son’s late sister Karen.