family

My Most Memorable Mother’s Day

nancyvalko adoption, culture, family

Mother’s Day has always been special to me since my children were born although I always thought I should be thanking my children for making me a mom instead of them thanking me.

However, Mother’s Day 1998 was my most memorable for another reason.

My oldest daughter Marie had just started college and dating the first boy she said she loved when she found out she was pregnant. The young man offered to marry her but she thought about some serious problems they both had and felt she had to refuse.

Over the next several months, Marie was torn between keeping her baby and choosing adoption. When she considered the most important question of what would be best for the baby, she finally decided on open adoption. It was not an easy decision and we were both heartbroken by the realization that Marie would not be raising the baby herself.

Unfortunately, due to the unwed pregnancy, there was almost no support from extended family members. In addition, most of Marie’s friends supported her rejection of abortion but not her decision for adoption. However, I was proud and awed by Marie’s heroic determination to give her baby the best life possible.

It was a difficult time but then on Mother’s Day that year, a card came in the mail from a priest friend of mine that brought a big ray of sunshine and truth to the situation. 

It was a beautiful Mother’s Day card for Marie!

Marie and I both smiled and cried because it was such a wonderful acknowledgement of Marie’s eternal motherhood as well as the gift of life. I can never thank that priest enough for his timely encouragement.

Four months later, Marie’s daughter was born and released to a wonderful couple who sent pictures every month.

Later on, when Marie’s daughter grew older, she called Marie every Mother’s Day and because of the generosity of her parents, she saw Marie often until Marie’s untimely death in 2009.

This thoughtful priest’s kindness in 1998 should remind us all that Mother’s Day should always be special whatever the circumstances and whether or not our children are in our arms or just in our hearts.

 

Five Things my Mother (and Daughter) Taught Me about Caring for People with Dementia

nancyvalko end-of-life, family, mental health

My mother developed Alzheimer’s disease, the most common type of dementia, in her early 60s. Later on, she was diagnosed with an aggressive thyroid cancer that required a surgical opening in her throat called a tracheostomy so that she would not suffocate from the tumor. My father and siblings were naturally distraught and overwhelmed.

I was 38 years old at the time and a suddenly single mother with 3 young children. My youngest daughter Joy was 2 years old and in diapers. My family looked to me for help.

As a nurse, I thought I knew the challenges of caring for someone with Alzheimer’s as well as someone with cancer and I was glad to use that knowledge to care for my mother. But, especially at first, it wasn’t easy.

Mom would ask the same questions over and over, have episodes of hostility and paranoia and periodic insomnia. She also became adept at thwarting the safety measures we used to protect her.

Then, one day near the end of my mother’s life, I sat on a sofa holding hands with both Joy, now over 3 years old, and my mom watching Sesame Street on TV. I was struck by the fact that both of them had the exact same expression of happiness on their faces. It was then that I realized how far we all had come and how much I had learned.

FIVE THINGS MY MOTHER AND MY DAUGHTER TAUGHT ME ABOUT:

1. Getting things done

I soon realized that both my 2 year old daughter and my mother responded best to one direction at a time and the patience to wait until one action was completed before directing another action.

For example, instead of just saying “brush your teeth” and trying to hurry the action along, directing both of them on just one step at a time time ultimately saved both time and frustration on everyone’s part.

I also found that set routines were comforting to both my mother and daughter despite their obvious differences.

2. Answering questions

Like most people caring for a relative with dementia, I found that answering the same question from my mother over and over again was exhausting. Answering different but incessant questions from my daughter was also difficult at times. So I learned the technique of distraction. For example with my mother, I would interest her in another activity such as folding laundry with me. With my daughter, I would often ask her to “read” a book to me. Judiciously used, this kind of pivot would relieve the increasing tension and make both of them happy.

3. Attitude

I made sure to smile often and establish eye contact with both my mother and my daughter. I would work my name into the conversation when I could see my mom trying to remember who I was and I made sure to often say “I love you” and praise the efforts of both my mother and my daughter. I made sure each had my full attention at that time even when I was in a hurry myself.

4. De-escalation

I found that both people with Alzheimer’s and 2 year olds are prone to sudden meltdowns that are difficult to handle. I discovered that watching for increasing agitation, frustration or the need for a nap and taking preemptive measures could often calm the situation before tempers flared out of control.

5. Music

I always found it fascinating that people with late-stage Alzheimer’s, even those who were rarely verbal, would often start singing when they heard a song they knew. The same is true with young children who naturally delight in songs. Our sing-a-longs were great fun for both my mother and my daughter. “You Are My Sunshine” was a special favorite. My daughter Joy is now an adult and a music teacher.

Best of all, my children still have fond memories of their grandmother after almost 30 years.

A FINAL STORY

This year, some married friends of ours buried the wife’s beloved mother who had Alzheimer’s. They and the rest of the family had worked together to take wonderful care of the mother at home as long as possible and in the nursing home where she finally died.

As the mother’s Alzheimer’s progressed to a later stage, she started to have vivid hallucinations.

One day, the couple made plans to take the mother to her favorite restaurant but she refused to go without the “two little girls over there.” The wife started to tell her mother that she was having hallucinations but her husband gently stopped her. Instead, he told the mother that the little girls weren’t hungry. The mother smiled and immediately got up to go to the restaurant.

The wife later asked me if it was OK to “lie” to her mother. I told her that her mom would probably have been embarrassed and upset to hear that she was having a hallucination. She might have even argued about it.

On the other hand, her husband’s response was both kind and respectful of her mother’s dignity. And, technically, those “two little girls” could not be hungry because they were not real.

To me, that kind of loving attitude from both these friends is inspirational. I wish that it was universal.

Justice Antonin Scalia, RIP

nancyvalko family, law

The sudden death of US Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was announced Saturday, February 13, 2016.

His death was not just the devastating loss of a brilliant, wise and witty man but also the loss of the Supreme Court Justice I most admired and read over the years. Justice Scalia and his writings inspired me to pursue the study of the Constitution and law.

I never met Justice Scalia personally but I was privileged to be asked to serve on a panel to discuss end of life issues at a 2009 conference organized by his son, Fr. Paul Scalia.

Fr. Paul was apparently used to people like me gushing about his father but Fr. Paul himself is very proud of his father. Fr. Paul is great example of his father’s deep devotion to his wife and 9 children.

The loss of Justice Scalia has tremendous national implications since so many important cases have been decided by a 5 to 4 majority of justices and now there are several crucial cases being considered, including cases involving abortion and religious rights. It is widely recognized that with the loss of Justice Scalia, there are four justices who lean liberal and four justices who lean more conservative.

With only 8 justices now, such close cases may result in very different decisions than if Justice Scalia were there.

However, our country has been very fortunate to have someone like Justice Scalia both for his personal and his professional example of excellence.

May he rest in peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Belated But Wonderful Christmas Present

nancyvalko family, organ donation

Last December, I wrote a blog “All I want for Christmas is…a kidney” about Bernie, my daughter-in-law, and her need for a kidney transplant. Last Friday, she received one!

Bernie is doing well and should be home sometime this week. It will be a new life for her and my son Steve without the hours of dialysis, strict dietary restrictions and other limitations. Their faith, hope, patience and acceptance of their situation have been truly inspiring!

Unfortunately, Bernie’s wonderful father Gene Buerke did not live to see this day. He died from a massive stroke 2 weeks ago but we are sure he is celebrating in heaven. Please pray for the repose of his soul as well as Bernie’s speedy recovery.

Thank you all for your prayers and support!

 

“What Kind of Mother is 8 Months Pregnant and Wants an Abortion?”

nancyvalko abortion, disability, euthanasia, family, grief, medical ethics, prenatal testing

Just after Christmas, the popular fast news website Yahoo News published the article “What Kind of Mother Is 8 Months Pregnant and Wants an Abortion?”  “as an example of one of our best of 2015.” (emphasis added)

In this story, an anonymous woman called “Kate”, a married mother of one daughter, found out at almost 8 months that her unborn second daughter had Dandy-Walker Syndrome, a genetic disorder that can result in mental and physical disabilities. A subsequent test was said to show severe brain abnormalities.

Kate, now an administrator of the website “Ending a Wanted Pregnancy” which includes a Poor Prenatal Diagnosis Index, decided to have an abortion-for her unborn daughter’s sake. Adoption and keeping the baby were mentioned as options but were rejected by Kate without explanation.

As Kate relates her story:

The doctor said, “We expect your baby to have moderate to severe mental retardation; she’s going to have moderate to severe physical disability; she is probably never going to walk or talk; she will possibly never be able to lift her head; she is going to have seizures all of the time… (and) Babies like this one are not generally comfortable enough to sleep.”

In that moment, I had to shift my thinking. I was hoping for special ed, and had been focusing on questions like: How much should you save to know your special-needs daughter will be OK after you die? I was thinking about long-term care and mild to moderate disability. Instead, I had to think about a baby who was probably not going to live very long, and the longer she lived, the more pain she would be in. That realization – that I was more scared of her living than of her dying — is what made the choice for me.

Kate then tells how difficult and expensive ($25,000) it was to find an abortionist to perform such a late abortion. Kate’s doctor eventually found one in Colorado, far from Kate’s home in Boston and Kate endured a four day abortion procedure.

Kate relates the procedure:

The whole first day was counseling and testing to make sure it was safe to do the procedure. They want to make sure you completely understand what is going to happen and that no one is pressuring you into the decision. At the end of the day, I signed all the paperwork, and the doctor injected the baby with a drug that, over a few hours, slowed her heart to still. It was a very, very difficult day. Euthanizing the baby is, obviously, a very hard thing to do. (emphasis added)

On the fourth day, labor was induced and Kate delivered her dead daughter.

Kate’s 2 year old daughter cried when Kate told her that her expected sister was “gone”. Three years after the abortion, Kate says

Now, every six months or so, we talk about it again — her understanding of it evolves as she grows. At this point, she knows the baby died because she was sick in a way the doctors couldn’t fix, because she had holes in her brain, and you need your whole brain to be healthy.

Kate’s story was obviously meant to generate sympathy for a distraught mother and thus show why abortion should continue to be legal. However, the shocking description of the third trimester abortion and the continued effect on the mother and sister undermine the narrative that abortion is the best option in such a difficult situation.

ANOTHER SIDE TO THE LATE-TERM ABORTION DECISION

Personally, I know what it is like to be told that your baby has severe problems and might die. I was told just a short time after my daughter Karen was born that she had an inoperable heart defect and would live just “2 weeks to 2 months.” I know the panic and fear that mothers like Kate must feel but in my case, as in many others, the doctor turned out to be  wrong about her terminal diagnosis.

Although my Karen later died of complications from pneumonia before her open heart surgery, I treasure the almost 6 months we had together and I have no regrets.

Today, I also have a wonderful stepdaughter who has Turner’s Syndrome, one of the conditions listed in the Poor Prenatal Diagnosis Index on the  “Ending a Wanted Pregnancy” website, and she is now a kind, generous woman who has no mental or physical disabilities.

In both these cases, abortion would have “solved” nothing.

Unfortunately, stories like Kate’s are desperately discouraging to women and families facing a difficult prenatal diagnosis. Tragically, the article also ignores the help and resources available to help such children and their families.

For example, the article does not mention groups like local Birthright centers and the website Prenatal Partners for Life which is “dedicated to providing families, either expecting, or those who have had, a child with special needs or a life limiting condition, the support, information, and encouragement they need to make informed decisions involving their preborn or newborn child’s care.” There are also support and information websites for specific conditions like the Dandy-Walker Alliance , the condition that Kate’s baby had.

And anyone who reads pro-life news sites such as Life News  and NRL News Today  has read many inspiring stories of hope and even unexpected happiness when a woman chooses life for her baby despite a difficult or even terminal diagnosis.

These and other other websites also contain information about Project Rachel, an organization that helps women, men and even families to heal after abortion.

CONCLUSION

I am not writing this blog to condemn Kate or other women who have had abortions. My heart goes out to them and I wish I could have had a chance to personally offer help, options, encouragement and information. I consider these women as additional victims of the abortion mentality that has so infected our society.

However, I do have a problem with abortion supporters who use such tragic stories to garner sympathy and support for their political agenda of legal abortion at any time for any reason and paid for by taxpayers as “reproductive health”.

Women and their babies deserve better.

Mass Shootings and Mental Illness

nancyvalko culture, family, marriage, mental health, Planned Parenthood

The rash of recent mass shootings is alarming, especially the most recent mass shooting in San Bernardino following so quickly after the Colorado Planned Parenthood one. Now, people are not only talking about mental illness as in the Planned Parenthood shooting but also the existence of evil as in the apparent terrorist attack in San Bernardino.

Can mental illness and evil be totally separate issues? I confess I don’t know the answer to this.

But I do know that our mental health system needs vast improvement from my own personal experiences.

My first husband and the father of my children was a brilliant, caring psychiatrist whose articles were published in medical journals. When I left bedside nursing to start our family, we had a plan for me to eventually join his private practice to specifically support the families of his patients. We both believed that families were ideally the best support system for people with mental illness and we hoped that such a plan would lead to better outcomes and help keep families together. Communication was key.

However, while our children were still small, my husband started slowly succumbing to severe mental illness himself despite treatment. I was frantic to help but at that time in the 1980s and even without the current HIPPA privacy rules, I was unable to get much information about his condition or how to help him from his psychiatrist even when there were multiple hospitalizations.

As his condition deteriorated, I was told by his psychiatrist that there was nothing I could do or not do to help the situation and that he was handling the situation. Then he told me that I should consider divorce for the sake of our children.

Since I believe in the sanctity of the marriage vows, especially the part about “in sickness and in health”, I soldiered on and got second and even third opinions for my husband. Nothing helped very much and I was still shut out from comprehensive discussion of treatment plans.

My husband finally abandoned our family and I reluctantly had to file for divorce. However, I still wanted to help him.

My now ex-husband eventually went on total disability for mental illness but since mental institutions were closed decades before for “less restrictive” measures, he became homeless and eventually shuffled from one assisted living facility to another until his death in 2014.

When our oldest daughter started using drugs at 14, I ran into many of the same problems with the mental health community. Even though she was a minor, she had the right to  “confidential health services”. This came about because it is thought that minors will be more likely to seek help from a doctor if confidentiality-even from parents- is assured in matters like sex and drugs. Unfortunately, as in my case, that meant that I could be mostly kept in the dark when it came to helping my child. I could pay for rehab but I couldn’t get much information or direction about helping my daughter. I contacted mental health organizations and tried to research support groups on my own with mixed results. My daughter died by suicide using an assisted suicide technique in 2009 when she was 30 years old.

We now have “mental health parity” under Obamacare which was intended to make mental health care better by increasing coverage. However, a recent Washington Post op-ed titled “The problem with Obamacare’s mental-health ‘parity’ measure”  shows how difficult it can still be for family or friends to get help for someone with a mental illness.

Mass shootings get our attention about gun control and terrorism issues but the mental health care crisis goes on. We need to do a better job and I still believe that mental health care must try to include and help the whole family for better long-term outcomes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

nancyvalko faith, family

Today I give thanks  to God for all my family, friends and blessings.

We have had so many blessings this year, most especially the health of our grandson Liam who had a bone marrow transplant in 2013, almost a year after we lost his 6 year old brother Noah who also had the rare autoimmune disease called HLH. Liam’s regular checkups have just decreased to every 2 months and he is now predicted to have a normal lifespan!

I also give thanks for my wonderful husband Kevin and our wonderful now-grown children, one of whom is hosting Thanksgiving for the first time instead of me. Yea!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving too!